I’ve recently been looking for a new tech guy on a part time basis, to help with work that I do, including making sure my blog runs ok. I’ve been holding interviews and for the first guy our conversation pretty much went like this..

how do I know that you are the one?
I am a tech guy and I’m the one you need.
You haven’t answered my question, I replied firmly whilst practicing my Poker face.
I can do SEO.
What is SEO?
Is this a joke? How do I know there really is a job here?
There is a job here.
You haven’t answered my question, he replied firmly whilst practicing his Poker face.

We had reached a stalemate.
I took him to the secret room where I keep my laptop under lock and chains.

This is the room where my new employee will work. I haven’t figured out how to switch on the laptop yet, so that will be your first test.
This laptop is so old and there are cobwebs on it!

I was beginning to doubt this guy as he didn’t even know that webs are world wide.

How do I know you actually have any money to pay me?
Ok enough with the questions already, now just do this mysterious SEO thing and if it works I will give you the job.

I left the room and locked the door behind me. I lit up a cigarette and waited anxiously. I could hear a lot of crashing and banging noises coming from the room and then a scream, and at one point the sound of glass breaking. I daren’t go in the room for fear of being injured, so I decided to play it safe and keep smoking 😉

Several cigarettes and two depleted lungs later, the sounds from the room stopped. He attempted to get out of the room. I considered opening the door but decided to light up another cigarette instead. Then he banged on the door and shouted..
Let me out!!
How do I know you’re not armed, I shouted.
I’m not armed!
You haven’t answered my…

He broke down the door, his poker face had gone and now he was practicing his “I’m going to kill you” face, it really was very convincing.

That door is coming out of your wages Mr, I whimpered. He didn’t seem to hear me.
You’re crazy! he shouted, you can’t lock someone in a room!
But I was playing a microstock game, the room was a forum and I just locked a thread, I didn’t actually ban you from the room.

His face was now turning a different colour. I thought I had better get back to the subject and hopefully he would calm down.

So what did you do in there?
I was working on SEO.
Ah I see…and what is that exactly?
You will get more traffic.
I live in a cul-de-sac, I don’t want more traffic down here!
I mean visitors.
Oh visitors. Um, can we schedule these visitors for a more convenient time? I’m a little busy right now.

At this point his face went kind of pale and it looked like he was hyperventilating.
I think I need to go.
Ah, I see, the old “I don’t want the job in the hope that I will be offered more money” trick. You can’t fool me, I know your game.

He stormed passed me.

Hey, you could at least fix the door! How do I know that you are really leaving and not just waiting for me to up the offer? Hey come back! You haven’t answered my question!

Anyway, by sheer coincidence, a few days after this obviously unprofessional guy left, I started noticing on my wordpress stats, strange terms appearing under the title, ‘Search Engine Terms’, with a lot of spelling mistakes and bad grammar. I’ve written an email to WordPress to let them know that they could do with brushing up on their English skills. Also, rather than this thing showing terms like ‘internal combustion’ or ‘locomotive’, it was coming out with terms completely unrelated to engines. Strange huh? Anyway, I guess the world of technology will always be a mystery to me, and so was that weird tech guy with all his talk of SEO (whatever that means) and bringing traffic and visitors to my quiet neighbourhood.

Below are some of these terms which I keep seeing and I’ve added my own comments below for most of them. Of course my comments are just for a laugh and I really don’t mean anything that I say. Honestly!

  • big headed cambodians

Strange! I’ve always found Cambodians to be quite down to earth.

  • “leave it with me means”

Go away so I can forget about it. (Thanks for that Bob)

  • why bother

I haven’t figured that one out yet, leave it with me and I’ll get back to you.

  • facebook most commented picture

Holy smoke, you’re not going to find the answer here.

  • ?????????? – microstocks

Was that a monkey who typed that?

  • is istock bad

Not for the owners.

  • how to make a thumbnail for istockphoto

Ah I see, so you’re not happy with the commissions and now you only want to submit thumbnails to them.

  • who said “your generosity knows no bound

Noone has ever said that about me, how on earth did you get to this blog.

  • bin search powered by google jar

Searching for bins with the aid of Google jars

  • micro job for bing taking pictures

I wonder if Bing can take good pictures.

  • microstock sites not to bother with

All of them! Go away! 😉

  • how to achieve microstock look

You should go to the Microstock Expo and check out the latest fashions.

  • which is more popular istock photo shutt

See here.

  • cutcaster income

Ask Luis. 🙂

  • bigstock editorial rejected for copyright

I got one of those recently. Have they gone mad?

  • best microstock sites for contributors
  • cat napping on book
  • people playing pool in pub image
  • people jumping for joy
  • how to find same istock photo in shutter

Thats sounds like quite a complex task, you should probably employ a tech guy.

  • tatiana morozova royalty

I interviewed her once, I had no idea that she was royalty though. (Just kidding Tana)

  • i hate rejections shutterstock

Close your eyes and think of a place that makes you happy. Now take three deep breaths…

  • микростоки

Следующего лидера России зависит от того, у него есть волосы или нет. Смотрите здесь для более подробной информации. 🙂

  • foltolia
  • love images for facebook
  • pictures of someone being followed

Weirdo!

  • istockphoto contributor opinions

hahahaha!! Welcome to my blog!

  • losing traffic to competitor

Why does everybody keep talking about traffic? I hate traffic, it stops me from getting where I want to go quickly.

  • zoonar contributor

Somebody looking for Zoonar’s contributor and they managed to find me. (Just kidding Michael, I know Rome wasn’t built in a day). I suppose I better give them a plug now. Did you know that Zoonar has one of the easiest upload systems, three price levels and commissions are between 50-80%? So join me and give them a try.

  • better choosing microstock

Yes please, especially if you are a buyer, because I don’t seem to sell much elsewhere.

  • what is the market value of shutterstock

Jon, stay firm Jon, don’t sell it and let them screw it up. Please Jon, I’m begging you, don’t do it, life is good, it can’t get better than this. Jon please listen to me, I’m on my knees Jon, don’t do it, they’ll make us turn against each other. Stay firm Jon, don’t give in to them, I’m nearly on my pay rise Jon, don’t let them ruin my dreams!!! 😉

  • starting your own micro stock site

In 2011? Why bother! Seriously, we don’t need another one, stop making them. It’s too late, you will only make yourself look old quickly. Put the idea to bed and think of something that hasn’t been thought of.

  • remember when istockphoto was cheap

..and not “bad”.

  • the next big microstock
  • microstock superstar

I think you took a wrong turn somewhere. Try Yuri’s blog.

  • stock photography singular or plural?

These WordPress guys really need to brush up.

  • lee torrens 2011

Just in case there are some of you who don’t know who Lee Torrens is yet, as far as I know the person is a fictional character (Sheriff) in the book Storm Peak. I’m not quite sure what this novel has to do with my blog though.

  • after photo shoot how to select winning

Why don’t these people complete their

  • cheaper than istockphoto

All of them.

  • im being followed by photographers

I wonder if that was Daniel Radcliffe.

  • shutterstock without captcha

haha, keep searching.

  • what is istock like to work for

Not sure, but I’m sure the salary is pretty good.

  • how to get rid of the word shutterstock

Ah, watermarks. I’m sure you’ll find a way.

  • what are microstock sites accepting

God only knows and he ain’t telling me.

  • microstock diaries

No, it’s Microstock Posts. You go there if want good information, you come here if…well I’m not sure why you’re here. Go and take some photos and stop wasting your time reading this blog. Oh, we’re at the end.

Please share and follow.
Thanks for your support.

Follow on Twitter

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Let me know of follow up comments..